They’re Baa-aack

As predictable as a plague of locusts and welcome as a heat rash in July, DWTS is preparing to quickstep its way back into our lives this month. As usual it’s packed with a cavalcade of C list celebrities –  has-beens, wannabes, and never-will-bes, all seeking redemption, re-start, notoriety, or just a payday. Here’s a quick look at this rogue’s gallery of the vaguely familiar.

Eric Roberts and Tori Spelling are the only bona fide stars in this group. As Julia’s big brother, Eric Roberts was a name I recognized (increasingly rare) and have seen him in movies. He hasn’t worked lately so I guess his residuals may be running out and he needs to jump start his career. He’s been nominated for Academy and Golden Globe awards, but no trophy yet. Or maybe he sees this as taking a victory lap. At 68 I’m not sure he has the legs to make it far.

When I heard Tori Spelling was going to be on, my first unkind thought was “Oh, is she out of rehab?” While she may have never been in rehab, most of her cohorts from BH 90210 seem to show up on DWTS and at Betty Ford with alarming regularity. She hasn’t worked recently (her last outing was Sharknado, nuff said.) Newly single she’s been pleading hard times. Seems her big sister Candy was made executor of Daddy Spellings’ $500 million estate. She and Tori don’t get along, so Candy cut her out with only $800,000. More than I’ll ever see, but I guess it hurts when Daddy was worth 500 mil.

Everyone loves Olympians. Think Mary Lou Retton, Shawn Johnson, Apolo Anto Ohno, Kristi Yamaguchi, Meryl Davis, Charlie White. And we have 2 again this year. Stephen Nedorscik gained momentary fame winning two medals in gymnastics and for having an unspellable last name. As an athlete he’s in shape and used to hard workouts. As a gymnast he knows where his body is in space, is agile and has decent eye/hand coordination. He looks like a lovable geek. If he has an ounce of rhythm and a decent personality, he should go far. He comes in with built in goodwill from the Paris games so he just needs to build on it.

The other Olympian is, well, different. Ilona Maher is on the women’s rugby team. A) I didn’t know rugby was an Olympic sport, and B) I didn’t know there was a women’s division. I mean, isn’t the goal of the game to kill your opponents? She’s got some wide, NFL level shoulders and it should be fun to watch her push Alan around. She should do well for the same reasons as Stephen. She might just be my favorite.

Joey and Jenn, Bachelor and Bachelorette. Turning the most important decision in someone’s life into a sporting event is just plain wrong. It is a travesty and should be shunned. But like mushrooms after a rain, they pop up every year. The women sometimes do well, the men rarely. I guess that’s because the men are just regular guys who look good in a suit. No special talent. In that respect, it’s what DWTS should be about, but the Bachelor franchise is just the worst of the worst. I can’t get beyond that.

Phaedra Parks. A Real Housewife? Does she make the beds, do the ironing and shopping and clean the house? That’s what real housewives do. I have no idea what this Real Housewives stuff is about or why people waste their time watching it.

And, as usual, we have a footballer, a basketballer, and a Disney kid.

Danny Amendola is the footballer. They usually do well, for many of the same reasons the Olympians do. They have to be nimble and quick on their feet to step through all those tires and run down the sideline without stepping out of bounds. And frequently they have a hidden personality that we never saw during the games. Warren Sapp from many years ago was one of my favorites.

Dwight Howard, as the basketballer is another story. They have not done well historically on DWTS. They have the athleticism, stamina, and all, but with their height, they often look ungainly. And none of the female partners are all that tall. A big mismatch in height just makes it look worse. Think Kareem Abdul Jabar from a couple years back.

Chandler Kinney, Disney girl. Built in fan base. Some of my favorite children on the show have been Xochitli Gomez, Zendaya, and Milo Manheim

Brooks Nader’s claim to fame is she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition. So her talent is looking good in a bikini. Maybe she’ll dance in one. Models haven’t done well as a group on the show. They tend to have no body strength, sense of timing or agility. Maybe she can break the curse.

Reginald ValJohnson was on a television show that was cancelled 26 years ago. Maybe his unemployment checks have run out. Or maybe he’s after Alphonso’s job. But I guess he shouldn’t be counted out. Allison Hannigan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame hung on until the finals last season.

Anna Delvey. Why the hell is she here? Not since Li’l Kim dedicated her season to her sisters in the Big House has a criminal been on the show. She’s not here for redemption. Redemption usually starts with saying, “I’m sorry.” She has publicly stated that she has no remorse for what she has done. Why should she? It’s making her rich. Isn’t remorse something the parole board is supposed to consider when letting someone out of prison early? Or maybe she just lied. I mean, she is a con-artist after all. And then again, half of America is prepared to vote for a criminal con-artist for President, so why not? My sincerest hope is that she is voted off the first night. I don’t want to be mean spirited, but bringing her out is just wrong. I’m all for redemption, but she hasn’t asked for it. Redemption is a tricky game. Paula Deen, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Grace tried for it and failed. But Sean Spicer, Ryan Lochte and even Jerry Springer earned it. But not her. This is akin to lining up all the people she has conned and kicking them in the balls one last time. And she laughs all the way to the bank. I would say it demeans the show, but the last few seasons have been a race for the bottom anyway. I miss Len.