DWTS Week 6

10-19 20

Mixed bag with a scare at the end. Let’s take this apart.

First off, it was apparently My Most Miserable Memory night, where they all tell maudlin tearjerker stories to make us feel for them.

And Tyra’s opening outfit. They must really hate her. How wide are those hips? Those pants do her no favors. And the top seemed to be a burlap bag with some sequins glued on.

The highlight of the night had to be Derek’s tour de force performance, reminding us of why he has six glitter ball trophies. I only have three words to describe it. O M G !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s what I came to see. I was covered in a musical frisson chill from the opening note. Fast and hard (like Bruno likes it). Part paso, part flamenco and all awesome. I would pay to see that every day. Yow!

Interestingly, the Derek performance kind of kicked the show into high gear. The six performances before him were pedestrian at best. The five after were sparklers.

Best of the night. AJ and Cheryl. OMG the boy’s got game. He killed it! I was wooting and jumping around the room cheering him on. He was giving out sass like nobody’s business. He could give Johnny lessons on how to be fabuloso. It was a real live samba. 10

Jeannie and Brandon gave me a rumba with some teeth in it. Strong, sharp, deep, emotional and sexy without being sex. So many gorgeous lines. I got some minichills. Brandon’s choreo has never moved me before, but he has improved. Loved the costuming and I want his shirt. She was robbed in the scoring.

Justina (and Sasha) was the only one of my favorites to make a mark tonight. Her VW was so beautiful. A few too many hard edges and I could have done without all the feathers but still, so beautiful. As Bruno said – Radiant.

Chrishell and Gleb got to do a dance that he excels in. I’ve always liked his contemporary. It always touches me. This was no exception. Wow. Gorgeous movement. The song moved me and the dance made me cry.

As for Kaitlyn and Artem’s samba, I didn’t see it the way the judges did. I liked AJ’s much better. Granted, AJ’s was choreographed to show off the man, whereas hers was choreographed to show off the woman and I liked his moves more. I think the content of his was superior. She’s good and will continue to move up and AJ’s days are numbered. But tonight went to him. And what’s with Artem’s pants? Are 1950s high water pants coming back in style?

Then there was the first half of the show which was an unmitigated mess. If you tuned in just as Derek was getting started, you missed nothing.

It started with my two favorites doing absolutely awful dances.

Johnny looked like he stumbled or got off time at the very beginning but picked it up and gave us Johnny face. He was totally sassy. But to me, salsa is supposed to be sexy with the woman being feminine sexy and the man being macho sexy. With the hose and fringe skirt Johnny missed the macho boat. Call me old fashioned but ballroom has conventions, traditions and expectations. One of them should have been wearing pants. Carrie Ann called them on it rightly. Now they’re doing instant voting I think America showed what they thought of his costume. The envelop can be pushed, but only so far.

Nev and Jenna were disqualified for failing to do ballroom. I came to see ballroom. They just jumped around like a pair of idiots. It was athletic, but nothing else. At that point I was 2 for 2 in disappointments.

Skai and Alan. What the hell were those costumes about? He was a zebra and she had on a blue tutu and wig they must have grabbed off a hooker down on Santa Monica Boulevard. I thought next week was Halloween. As for the dance, yeah she screwed it up. Aside from that, it had no hip action because she has no hips. I figured she be one of the bottom two and the judges would of course save her. I don’t know why they feel the need to fawn on her.

Vernon and Peta were a bright spot in the first half. Their routine had some cha cha and a lot of Vernon’s special dance. In the cha cha he was wooden and jerky, but when he did his thing he was selling it. He was having a blast and it was nice to see him have fun. Carrie Ann got it right that he’s easy to watch because he loves dancing. And now I know what happened to that hideous sofa that used to be in Grandma’s parlor.

Val danced a beautiful rumba and Monica held on for dear life. Nice hip action and extensions, but most of the moves were simple. My problem was her face. Her smile was not real. It was so obviously fake that it kept distracting me. I did like that the dance was romantic rather than vertical sex. I don’t know. Maybe she felt weird about dedicating it to her husband and then getting intimate with another man.

Nelly and Daniella got ridiculously high scores from the judges. I loved what Daniella did, she almost achieved escape velocity with her Viennese. But she was dragged down by Nelly’s dead weight. The opening sequence he did well, with flow and arms. But when the feet got involved it was a mess. At least Derek called him on it. He was my choice to go. Well, actually my choice to go was Skai but I know that’s not going to happen.

So nothing much happened tonight except they let Vernon go. I had decided that he and Nelly needed to be next. Maybe they’ll boot Nelly next week.

I still say the best dancers are a two-way tie for first with Johnny and Nev, and Justina a close second (or I guess that’s actually third). I don’t particularly care for Skai and Kaitlyn is good but not stellar, but I see them as spoilers since they have incredible fan bases. Next week is Halloween and that’s usually a good time. Looking forward to it.

DWTS Week 5

October 12, 2020

Oh, it’s 80s night and I’m feeling right, sung to the tune of Ladies Night. We have entered the Land of Mullets.

I’m not even going to get into TB’s costume changes, other than how many times did she change? Such a waste of their budget.

I liked two of the judges’ clothes choices. The deep colored dress suited Carrie Ann. Now if she’d just ditch the pan-fried hair. I’m not sure what Derek was going for, but I’m pretty sure he missed the mark. It was just odd. Bruno won the night, totally rocking the Gay Miami Vice look.

I have to wonder if there is any rhyme or reason to the dance styles they do. I mean, four tangos in one night?  And jazz? OMG

Let’s just get this out of the way. There were three disqualifications right off the top. Jazz is not a ballroom dance (noticed I used my indoors voice) and will not be sanctioned.  Most offensive was Justina and Sasha. There was no dancing. It looked like an aerobics class to me. It lacked fun, grace or dance. So disappointing since she’s usually one of my top three. I noticed that Derek only talked in generalities about this stage of the competition, never actually talking about what they did. Bruno just perved on Sasha’s pectorals. Conehead Carrie Ann just dithered with her fried hair. Maybe they were all thinking what I was thinking and didn’t want to admit that the emperor had no clothes.

Skai and Alan, and it’s me, not her. I just don’t like her. Probably not her fault, I just wish she’d go away. And take Tyra with her. Their faux dance was midway between the Justina/Sasha mess and Jeannie and Brandon. It had lots of flashy, ballsy lifts but that was about it. Throughout the first half it looked like they were stepping tentatively as if their feet hurt. By about the third lift the tentativeness was gone but she still kept pulling odd faces. And where’d they dig up Alan’s wig? It didn’t look like Doc; it looked like Martha Washington.

As for Jeannie and Brandon, now that was a performance I could get into. It was fun, frisky and had real dance elements. Everything the other two weren’t.

I’m having trouble deciding the worst actual ballroom dance of the night. I’ve got it down to two couples. One was Nelly and Daniella’s attempt at samba. It had nice samba content as the judges noted. Unfortunately, Nelly did not have nice samba content. Samba has an unusual beat that no one wants me to bore them explaining and Nelly must have checked out on that conversation also. He hit the beat some of the times and was completely off some of the time. He had a great time, smiling up a storm and doing inventive footwork (just not samba footwork) but it just didn’t work. He has no flexibility in his hips and makes me afraid I’ll dance like that after my spine fusion next week. I don’t know what happened with the judges. They were way too generous.

But I guess honors for the worst of the night has to go to Vernon and Peta. What a mess! It looked like he got in her way during the first move and she stumbled. They never got it back together. He was definitely scary looking with all the dreads. He was a ringer for Laurent, the black vampire in Twilight (Yes, I watched Twilight. I’m a Jacob fan. Edward was just gross). It lacked grace and poise and he just looked like a surly stumblebum vampire. Too bad; I like Vernon. And of course Peta isn’t going to let us get away without a few crotchshots. No comment.

And speaking of tango, there were three, count ‘em, three more. Bottom of that pileup was Jesse and Sharna. I so wanted Jesse to do well because he’s with Sharna. It just wasn’t happening. He opened a bit wooden, it seemed there was no mental connection between them. Once in frame he got better, but near the end he seized up again. And the emotion he was projecting was more paso doble anger than tango burn. I don’t know what he’s done as an actor, but must have been soaps. They don’t know the difference between anger, burn or chew the scenery melodrama.

The judges reversed the last two tangos from what I thought they deserved. Kaitlyn and Artem did something that would have given Len a coronary. First was all that freaking jumping around before the dance and then ending it with stiff 35-year-old white girl trying to bust a b-move? What tango they did was good, but not as good as what I expect from Artem. He’s about to be dethroned as my favorite male pro over this. And when did he get so bow legged?  And wasn’t their song, “I Think We’re Alone Now” from the 60s? Yes, talentless Tiffany covered it in the 80s but that doesn’t make it 80s music any more than the Boston Pops’ cover of Blue Danube makes it modern music.

The tango of tangos was Monica and Val. I need to take up smoking so I can have a cigarette after something like that. Wow. What she did was pretty good, but Val was a force to be reckoned with. When that man gets his tango on, everybody just stand back. It was a no holds barred smackdown. Some of his moves left me gasping. From when they fired guns over each others’ shoulders (with sexy body rolls) to their hair-raising race to the finish I was just hanging on. Yeah, love me some Tainted Love.

There were a couple of also rans. Chrishell and Gleb stumbled through a messy cha cha. She either missed or dragged on nearly every step. Those baggy pants never made anyone look good and did no favor to her hips. And for the record, Gleb looks awful in a mullet.

AJ and Cheryl surprised me. I liked their waltz. It was weirdly credible from someone who looked like he was about to spew through the entire dance. He just looked soooo uncomfortable. He had all the right elements, but I just kept expecting him to stop, bend over, and lose his cookies. But Cheryl pulled him through, demonstrating once again that she is the mistress of the faux lead. She is always the first female pro to make it look like her partner is leading. Probably my favorite thing about her. I’d like to bring up a complaint here. Why do, when the dancers do any kind of spiral move, the camera is intent on spiraling around them in the other direction? It’s distracting and disorienting. It screws with the perceived speed of the move and makes me dizzy. I’m the one in danger of losing his cookies.

Once again they ended the show with wham bam show stopping performances. Johnny and Britt kept the fabulosity alive with a wild contemporary. I know contemporary isn’t ballroom but I’ve grandfathered it in when they actually look like they’re dancing. At least they weren’t wearing their jammies. But it was hard and soft and emotional and lyrical and just grabbed me. Bruno described it perfectly even though he screwed up the perfect score.

My favorite of the night actually got low scores. Shoot the judges. Nev and Jenna continue to surprise me every week. Okay, we’ve found out now that he’s a ringer, he used to take dance classes. But then, so many of them have. And he had the weird eyes even as a little kid, too. I’m an 80s nerd and love a-Ha and immediately perked up for the quickstep. They were perfectly in sync and no one even talked about the great jete. They had so much fun, it was just infectious (in a non-Covid way). Definitely my fave of the night. As Bruno said, it was exuberant.

I loved the music for every performance, but then, I’m an 80s guy. Probably the last decade they made decent music.

Unfortunately, I think they made the right choice in dumping Jesse. He just wasn’t cutting it.

Nelly, Vernon and Chrishel need to go next. I’m afraid we’re stuck with Skai because the judges think she’s precious. They are still impressed with her shameless pandering about her dead friend. Kaitlyn will stay around because of Bachelor nation. Justina outclasses Jeannie but neither may make it to the end. I want a smackdown between Nev and Johnny. Now that would be entertainment.

DWTS Week 4

10.5.20

Well, that was a CF if there ever was one. What a mess. Still, nowhere near the gaffe of Steve Harvey back in 2015.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DKDaSd-4nY

People are already calling for Tyra’s head. I’m not sure if she was at fault as Steve was so I won’t pile on. But she was very quick to throw everybody else under the bus in avoiding any responsibility. And if the fubar was with the cards she was to read, then Tom Bergeron would have done the same thing. But I imagine he would have handled the fallout with more grace. He had class. I kinda wondered what was going on when she said, “the two bottom couples” and there were still three couples on the floor. Gleb was whipping his head around, trying to figure it out, too. Yep, amateur hour all the way around.

And what is it with her costuming? It’s like a whole separate event of the evening. First, she comes out in yards and yards of gold lamé; yeah, she has a lot to cover. Then she shows up in a Xena top with a couple of rain barrels tied to her hips. And make up by Annie Lennox.

I have to be grateful there were no execrable performances over the evening and even a few 9s and a 10 dropped. Grade inflation, however. And I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but the music they are using has taken a nosedive. Some of the songs I would have ranked undanceable.

The judges seemed to lose their minds over Skai’s shmaltzy performance. It was cheap tearjerker drivel designed to deflect judgment of her dancing. Her actual performance was nice but a 9 would have been stretching the mark. She’s just not yet built for dancing. She needs to grow up some. It’s like watching a pubescent girl dance with her father. She has no boobs or butt or anything else to fill out a ballgown. Call me crass or sexist, but I call it like I see it. And Carrie Ann has a history of buying into it. The judges all got sidetracked on the “lovely tribute” and didn’t really talk about the actual dance. In it’s own way that is just as bad as Bobby Bones or Sean Spicer being kept on the show by people who aren’t looking at their dancing.

The highlights for me was the Nev/Johnny/Justina Show. They are the ones I look forward to. They know how to put on a show.

As odd as Nev looks (I can’t figure out if his eyes or smile is scarier, he’s gotta stick around until Halloween) he is growing on me. I like his attitude of not taking himself so seriously, his wonder at dancing and he’s a seemingly nice guy. He has the body of a mini wookie, but that’s okay. I liked the manscaping comments. I liked his rumba, but I was amazed that no one called his obvious foul. Every forward step (and there were many of them) was a heel lead. It just leapt out of the screen at me. Did no one see that? I thought sure that at least ditzy Carrie Ann would have called it. Incredible hip rolls, though. You don’t usually see that on men outside of pros.

Justina and Sasha are also favorites. I mean who doesn’t love Sasha? And Justina is always my favorite party. I love a plus size woman who just owns it like nobody’s business. Sassy and brassy and who cares about the scores. Time to partay! When she dances, she glows. Best dance of the night.

Fabulousness is in the ballroom again! Johnny has found his mojo and is working it. His routine could have used more kicks, but that was just because I was enjoying them so much. One of the performances that gave me chills. He should have got 9s but was robbed. And for the record, I adore Mama Weir.

The rest of the performances ranged from “That’s nice, dear” to “What have you been doing with all the time you weren’t practicing?” The four-way tie for last place was, well, yeah.

Jeannie and Brandon. Soulless. I hate a soulless tango. It just failed to move me. Her face vacillated between looking scared to “I just peed my pants.”

Nelly and Daniella. He may or may not have accomplished a Paso, but the song was a hot mess. That was not PD music, not even music in my old white guy estimation. It was awful rap junk and was so fast they couldn’t articulate the artistry. It became just flailing. I made that note before I listened to the judges and was surprised to hear Bruno also decry the “lack of artistry” and mention flailing. You go, Bruno. I was amused to see that Daniella must have broken into Peta’s dominatrix closet. And damn, but Nelly has some big muscles. Kind of weird for a guy whose name comes from a pejorative for limp wristed gay men. On an aside, I figured Derek would say he liked the music. He is desperately struggling to stay relevant as he ages, while being handicapped with being painfully white.

Jesse and Sharna, such a disappointment. He was totally checked out. I don’t know who the ringer was they sent in to replace him. He did everything okay, but there was no spontaneity, no flirt, no sass, no life. And I’m glad they finally called him about keeping his head in Sharna’s tits. They just said he was looking at her feet, but we all know where his eyes were.

Anne and Keo. I think I’m going to have to rant for a while on this one. She apparently tried to pull the same trick that Skai did. Deflect from the dance by tugging at the hearts of the audience. I was moved by how she has been treated for coming out gay. It’s a travesty. And I applaud her heroism. She still can’t dance. That was the most bloodless PD I’ve seen since Kate Gosselin and Sean Spicer stunk up the ballroom. And I want to talk about racism and victimization. Keo keeps getting put with partners who “admire” his body. You never see Gleb’s partner’s pawing him. Or Val’s. Or anyone else (okay, Pasha has gotten a couple of off-color comments over time). So why is it okay to objectify Keo? Is it because he’s black so it’s alright to treat him like he isn’t human? He’s just stage dressing. Anne may be a lesbian, but your gender orientation doesn’t stop you from being a bigot or a racist or just a tasteless person. Keo deserves a huge apology from ABC and most of the partners he has been tasked with. Okay, rant over.

Moving up the food chain, I was disappointed with the scores Gleb and Chrisell received. What they did is what I want to see. A proper foxtrot. Classic, fluid, sexy, and beautiful. It had all the elements and was performed with emotion. What’s not to like?

I think Vernon and Peta are my choice for the next elimination. What they did was nice, but it was all Peta. Her best rumba ever. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I have no idea what he did. He has looked familiar to me, but I’ve had trouble placing him. Last night is dawned on me that he looks so much like Amenadiel, Lucifer’s angel brother on my favorite series, Lucifer. Here’s his pic.

The two 24s and the 25 were puzzling. I found them all overrated.

Monica and Val’s samba was nicely done. It did have proper samba moves, but Val must be slipping. Her execution was just not up to his usual. No bounce, no joy, just workmanlike effort. They seemed to be holding back. I say let loose and kill it. Or go down swinging. Seven’s would have been more appropriate.

AJ and Cheryl. I paid to see cha cha, not krumping. What cha cha he did was enjoyable, even if there was too much stomping. But I saw that as he was so excited and just wanting to stomp it out. I like some of Backstreet Boys music, including the one they used. The “virtual” band was a disappointment. I was envisioning something more live, not just some pre-recorded holographs blown up to monstrous size. I’d give it at least one seven mixed in with the eights.

Kaitlyn and Artem. I’m sorry but I had trouble focusing on the dance. That monstrosity of an outfit Artem was wearing kept getting in the way. I just kept getting visions of Hannibal Lecter’s suit made of humans. Once that was in my brain, I was lost. The VW seemed short, with no swoop or etherealness. Definitely not a 25. Even though Artem is my favorite male pro.

That’s my thoughts. The worst of the worst have been winnowed out. Now time to go after the ‘also rans’. I think they need to boot Nelly and Vernon next, in whatever order they wish. Monica and Skai also need to go but now Carrie Ann is hooked on her I imagine Skai will be around to the end.

In Candide’s best of all possible worlds the finals would be Johnny, Nev and Justina. In reality I feel Skai and Kaitlyn will be spoilers.

DWTS Week3

9.28.20

I began last night like I have begun every show so far by saying, “What the hell is she wearing?” It appears they are expending the entire wardrobe budget on Tyra’s fashion don’ts. But I think I have uncovered their evil plan. They realize they have made a mistake hiring Ms. Banks but don’t know how to get rid of her. The idea is that if they keep dressing her like a cross between a muppet and Vegas showgirl she’ll get fed up and quit. We should be so lucky.

And Bruno. Someone should let him know there is a difference between filling out a shirt nicely and wearing one too small. Every time we saw him he looked like he had been stuffed in that shirt like a sausage. It looked as if any moment one of the buttons might fly off and take out someone’s eye. I prefer him with a tie anyway. The neck is getting a little old to be taken out in public.

What was Derek’s sash for? Was he a Disney prince? Princes have crowns. If he wants to be a prince just wear a crown instead of being coy with the sash. And why did it disappear a few minutes into the show? And then come back later? The mystery of the elusive sash.

Carrie Ann as a blonde. No, just no.

There was some good stuff and some break outs. Finally. Mostly within the final 15 minutes.

High point of the night. Nev and Jenna’s Argentine Tango. Now that’s entertainment. I got my first chills of the season on this one. I only get chills down my arms and into my chest on the very best dances and this one got a tingle going. It was sharp, crisp, menacing – everything A Tango is supposed to be. And with the weird eyes, he’s even scarier than Depp’s Jack Sparrow. Kind of bandy legged, though. But no one’s perfect.

Second best Johnny and Britt’s rumba. The fabulosity that is Jonny Weir finally showed up. It wasn’t vertical sex, for obvious reasons, but a proper rumba, with a little contemporary thrown in. The hip work was a little odd at places and I think they got off on he spin. Britt bounced on one leg and almost fell. That mucked with the rhythm and they didn’t match the music and the dance just kind of died at the end. But so nice while it lasted. Johnny’s best and I hope an omen of what’s to come.

Kaitlyn and Artem’s rumba was a surprise. Since they had on their jammies and were barefoot I expected some soft porn. But it turned out to be actual dancing. She did great for having a bad foot and Artem is my favorite male pro. I like whatever he does.

And then there were the ones where the judges were apparently watching another dance than I was seeing. Such as:

Chrishell and Gleb. Yes, what they did was nice. Very nice. But I felt robbed. It was mostly posing and then the spin. There was only one measure (123, 456) of waltz. I replayed it and counted. Gleb can do much better than that. A disappointment.

And Jesse and Sharna. Not nearly enough kicks and hardly any flicks. Just jumping about and flinging his feet around. Not a pointed toe in sight. I love Sharna but not that dance.

There were two Viennese Waltzes to compare and there was no comparison. Jeannie and Brandon won by a mile. Val is a beautiful smooth dancer with great shaping. Monica, not so much. He put in plenty of lift but she was earth bound. No flight, no float. Brandon really showed his chops and made Jeannie fly. Almost got goose bumps. And I loved when she stole Bruno’s paddle. It’s cute when they get excited.

Back to back Quicksteps was not kind to Keo. AJ and Cheryl stole that matchup. He got through it without messing up. Quite an accomplishment in QS. Lots of energy and I’m glad they covered all his ink with makeup. As an old white man, I just think he looks trashy. I know, I’m a dinosaur. And did he say his daughter’s name is Lyrica? Isn’t that a pain medication?

Anne and Keo were totally outclassed by AJ and Cheryl. One of the weakest jetes ever. And that was Keo. She didn’t even try, which may have been why his didn’t take off. The side by side was just a mess, looked like she forgot the choreo. And her objectifying Keo was just plain creepy. Why do they keep putting these strange creatures on Keo? Who did he piss off?

But Vernon and Peta kicked their asses when it came to QS. It had a slow start and I was worried. But somebody must have lit a fire in his butt ‘cause he suddenly took off like a rocket. He was so into it and that’s always fun to see. He’s a very likeable individual and I highly respect his devotion to his family and vow to be there for all his kids’ achievements and special moments. I think people forget how important that is to the kids. They remember.

Skai and Alan had a better jive than Jesse and Sharna but Skai had this weird Stepford Wives/department store mannequin grin on her face the whole time. As an actress I would think she would have a better game face or even RBF than that. I hope she brings it back on Halloween because it was just plain scary. Nice flicks but her timing was off at the beginning.

Charleston is NOT A  BALLROOM DANCE!

How many times to I need to tell them this? Is no one even paying attention? What’s next? Bollywood? Justina and Sasha didn’t even touch each other until the final couple of measures. That’s line dancing, not partner dancing. And she flubbed the steps. Loved Sasha’s cartwheel but the rest was cheesy, corny and bah humbug.

Nelly and Daniella weren’t terrible but it was a good thing Len wasn’t there to complain about all the folderal they did before they actually started dancing. And it started out okay, but it looked like he took a breath at the beginning and forgot to breathe for the rest of the dance. It was obvious he was running out of oxygen by the end. And his neck just disappeared as his shoulders crowded in around his ears. I like Nelly, the person. Nelly, the dancer, not so much.

And then Carole and Pasha stunk up the place with possibly the worse samba ever. I get it, she’s old and doesn’t know dance, but surely Pasha could have done something with her other than come up with the most over the top costumes since Mark Ballas. It was just sad.  

So far, over the first three shows I’m in agreement with the voters on who should be the bottom two and I agree with the judges on who to save and who to boot. I hope that continues. I think I like the new system and hope it will spare us future travesties like Bobby Bones and Juan Pablo di Pace.

I hope Anne gets the boot next week (sorry Keo, but at least you won’t have to put up with her pawing you anymore).

I predicted in the very first posting that Nev was my dark horse pick and he won the night running away. And now Johnny has his game on it might be a fun contest. Skai may make a comeback but for three nights out, she has not impressed. Bachelor Nation will keep Kaitlyn coming back every week for awhile. But I’m hoping for a Nev/Johnny/Justina smackdown. Could be epic.

DWTS Week 2

9.21.20

I was so completely underwhelmed by DWTS last week that I totally forgot it was on last night. Slipped my mind. Someone reminded me today, so I speed watched it this afternoon. Another hour of my life gone with nothing to show for it.

I have to begin with I am so, so, so tired of Tyra. She adds nothing but annoyance. Kind of like when brainless Burk Blank was co-host. And that outfit? What the hell was it? Looked like a cast off from Auntie Entity from Mad Max.

Who dresses the judges or are they allowed to pick for themselves? Did no one consider fuchsia beside pink is a fashion crime? Fuchsia is so definitely Bruno’s color, looks good on him. Pink is so definitely not Derek’s color. We’ll save his masculinity and call it dusty rose. It makes him look faded. And my eyes are still vibrating from the clash of them side by side.

On the positive side, there were no absolutely awful dances this time. Considering what they have to work with, that’s quite an accomplishment. Unfortunately there were no standouts. I agreed with the judges on the two best of the night, but little else. I got the feeling they were watching a different show.

Weird dance line up. There were five foxtrots and four cha chas. Then a mashup of the others. Who selects this? The music was mostly crappy, but I can’t complain too much when they had Fleetwood Mack and One Republic.

Best of the night was Kaitlyn and Artem. I love Artem’s dancing and am so glad they brought him back. The FT was beautiful, lyrical and dreamy; just like a FT should be. The shaping was so nice. It got the highest score of the night and it got the first 8.

Second, for me was Nev and Jenna. Such nice body rolls. He’s quickly becoming my dark horse favorite – a person who unexpectedly discovers a love of dance. Now if we could just do something about the scary eyes and creepy smile. And Derek is right, man is he hairy. But kudos for saying no to the manscaping.

The judges loved Justina and Sasha’s FT also. It had a nice fairy tale quality. She was so getting into it. I love to see a big girl carry herself so well and unselfconsciously. And I love Sasha’s choreo.

Jesse’s hair seems to have grown out some since last week or either he has extensions. Either way, he doesn’t look quite as much of a dork as he did earlier. He and Sharna’s FT was bothersome. For one thing the song was too fast. He was tentative and frequently flat footed with hunched shoulders. At least he mostly kept his head up and away from Sharna’s boobs.

I though AJ and Cheryls FT was flashy and very Hollywood golden era. It was cute and I like it. I’m with Bruno in that I thought it had pizzazz.

Interesting that my top 5 were four foxtrots and a cha cha. Well, they are two of my favorite ballroom dances. But then that changes daily.

I liked the music for Ann and Keo’s foxtrot, but once again, it was too fast. At one point it looked like they were doing quickstep. She’s still holding back and not finishing the moves, and I’ve never been overly fond of his choreo. Not his fault but it looked like his coat was made from an old couch at my grandma’s house.

And oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. What are we going to do with you? You seemed to forget to pack your fabulosity. Tango is second only to PD in drama and this was so lifeless. The transitions were clunky and some of the moves were just so wooden. I guess in skating he can do the big move and then stop while his skates glide along finishing the move for him. Not gonna happen here. He had to do it all. He needs to get his game on or he’s a goner.

Okay, I like Alan. I loved his blue jacket (gotta get me one) and I love samba. I even kinda like his Skai. But that was a mess. I’m sure she’ll be around for a long time no matter how she dances because she’s a Disney princess, but that was just an awkward mess.

Nelly and Daniella. He looked so uncomfortable, kinda like my uncle at a wedding, trying to look cool and failing so, so badly. He tried to get his groove on, but it had apparently left the building.

Chrishell and Gleb. I expect more from Gleb than this. I’ve seen what he can do. I’ve also seen him choke. This was closer to the latter. It looked more contemporary than rumba. At least international rumba usually gives me a little bit of porn. Meh, it was too dark to see.

Charles and Emma. Just thankful he’s gone.

Jeannie and Brandon. She tried to be playful but it kinda looked creepy. Old people pawing young people is just so wrong. Also too staccato.

Carole and Pasha. They really gave the old lady VW on her second week? Really? Except for looking like a gold lamé Statue of Liberty she pulled it off. The long dress was good for hiding her mistakes. I would have liked more movement. There was just a nod to 123 and then all this bowing and curtsying and stuff Len would have called folderol.

Vernon and Peta. I’m disappointed in her. Usually she digs deep into her closet for dominatrix wear for PD. Vernon did some parts nicely and some parts I think he was having flashbacks to being on the football field. I thought he was going to tackle Peta. His leap was nice though. Jumping over the fullbacks into the end zone. Score! The shaping and menace was missing. He kinda reminded me of Gort (without the laser beam). All he needed to do was say Klaatu barada nikto (only SF fans will get that).

Monica and Val. Very little jive going on. I was waiting for it and suddenly the dance was over. What the hell? I also spent some time trying to figure out what the set and costumes were supposed to represent. If anyone has figured it out, let me know. Might be something simple, but I frequently miss the obvious. Hey, I fell headfirst down a flight of stairs when I was three. I have an excuse.

Next week is Disney. I hate theme weeks (except Halloween). I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Disney movie so I have no idea what they are going for. The songs are usually forced and clumsy and I could go on. But I won’t. At least it’s better than My Most Miserable Memory week.

Ok, so this is what I’m seeing happening. Carole gets the book next week. Skai and Kaitlyn will try to outcute each other. Bachelor nation versus Disney. An Alan/Artem throwdown. Justina and AJ stick around because of personality. Nev may hang on till close to the end. Remember you heard it here first. Unless I got it totally wrong. In that case, blame somebody else.

Fire Tyra

Can Tyra be the first to get the boot? Please.

Well, I wasted another hour of my life that I can never get back. At least with my DVR I can record it and the 2 hour slog-a-thon is only one hour once I fast forward through all the commercials. If I had to watch the ads also my brain would truly turn to jello.

Who is the marketing ‘genius’ that thought Tyra was a good idea? The same one who thought New Coke was smart? Tom Bergeron was a calming presence, kind of like the keeper of the zoo, although his humor sometimes reminded me of bringing grandpa home from the asylum for Thanksgiving. And Erin was great. You gotta love a six foot woman who wears heels. The producers said they were going in a new direction. Yeah, directly down the tubes.

Maybe they caught Tom doing something awful or doing someone awful. I still think that’s what torpedoed Giles Marini all those years ago. His shower scene on Sex and the City or whatever it was called was totally PG on TV. But someone leaked the footage that couldn’t be shown on TV to the web. Now we know why the character was called Mr. Big. I just checked. Yep, the pix are still there. Google “Gilles Marini Sex and the city shower scene” but be forewarned.

I considered taking a wait and see attitude with the new girl. Give Tyra a chance. Nope. Not gonna happen. So far she just seems to be a rack for fashion disasters and other crimes against nature. First she cruises out like an escaped float from the Rose Bowl Parade. Then a fuscia on red pantsuit? That’s so far beyond a fashion don’t, it’s a fashion hell no. In what universe is that supposed to be attractive? And that monstrosity around her neck?

The judges were equally disorienting. Carrie Ann is blonde now? Most Asians really don’t carry that off well. She’s one of them. She’s ditzy enough without punctuating it with blonde. And Bruno’s gone totally white. Maybe he got a glimpse of Lenny naked. Tyra called him a silver fox. More like ferret. Or weasel. I liked Derek’s circa 1980 necktie. I had one just like it.

And who choreographed that totally lackluster opening? DWTS needs to get their money back.

There were fifteen performances, so like the movie, it was Fast and Furious. So we got 30 second meeting shots, 30 second dances, 2 minute judge jawboning and on to the next commercial.

For me there were 6 performances of note: 3 surprisingly well, 2 supremely awful and 1 what the hell?

I had to wait all the way to the sixth dance to find something I liked. Jesse & Sharna. He had the hardest dance (QS) out of the box with the most content and mostly nailed it. I guess. I was watching Sharna. He needs to keep his head up and quit looking at his feet and Sharna’s boobs. And a crew cut? That hairstyle has looked good since, never. The wardrobe was awful.

A bit brighter spot was Nev’s foxtrot. It was what a foxtrot is supposed to be. It was classy and well executed. Great faux leading. Reminded me of Evan Lysachek, except Nev appears to have a personality. Here’s Evan doing a similar routine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nduAmka73hA The smile is a bit creepy. It seems to belong to a guy who is telling a little girl there is candy in the back of his van. If it wasn’t a fluke he could be the dark horse, the one who suddenly against all odds finds he can dance. And I love Jenna anyway.

The high point of the night had to be Justina and Sasha. Not only did it make me smile but I laughed out loud. I haven’t seen so many jiggly parts jiggling since Neicy Nash. What it lacked in style it more than made up for in sheer sass and brass. And I also love Sasha.

Then came the awfuls. Charles Oakley apparently couldn’t make it so they grabbed a wino from an alley and stuck a suit on him. So bad it hurt to watch. How can an athlete, a black athlete have absolutely no sense of rhythm? But if you look back over the history of the show, basketball players have always fared poorly. Stilt legs and monkey arms just make them too gangly to be graceful dancers. Plus they’ve not brought one on yet who had a sense of rhythm. I guess if you have rhythm they steer you toward football.

I really liked Pasha’s paso doble. Carole’s, not so much. Cute concept, atrocious execution. It gave me a nightmarish flashback to Sean Spicer’s paso. Her 3 wasn’t the lowest paddle ever, though. That would be Master P who got two 2s and a 4. (Don’t search for it. Your eyes will bleed). If they had negative paddles, I’d be waving them for old Carole. I imagine she and Charles are in a race for the door. Maybe there’ll be a double elimination. I was going to insert a video of Sean’s nightmarish paso but it is “not available” on line. Maybe he paid them to take it down. So I found an equally godawful paso. Kate Gosselin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EURnLDlPAAY

My ‘what the hell’ moment was Johnny Weir. I expected it to be ‘fabuloso’ but it was so mundane-o. No emotion or life. I wanted so much more from him. He’s been talking a big talk, now’s the time to man up. And fishnet stockings over hotpants? I think he got into Peta’s closet.

Skai Jackson was the highest scorer and it was not bad at all, just not standout. She’s a bit stiff to have such a long history of being on camera. And I can’t watch her all dolled up trying to look sexy without feeling like a pedophile.

The rest of the night was pedestrian, at best. Lots of chaff to work through.

AJ & Cheryl. My first question, is there any part of his body that isn’t inked? And are those prison tats or rehab? He says he’s been a Backstreet Boy for 28 years. Dude, you need to stop. If you haven’t made it to Backstreet Man by now, it ain’t gonna happen. And his suit was from even farther back. I wore that to my prom in 1974.

Chishell & Gleb. I need me a top like Gleb’s. Way cool. She’s a disaster. What’s wrong with her legs? They didn’t seem to move. Gleb was dragging her around like a department store mannequin.

Vernon & Peta. I’ve seen worse. Not much foxtrot going on, just posing. He’s stiff and his butt sticks out. If he finds a little rhythm he’ll be around for awhile because the footballers get lots of votes for some inexplicable reason. I’m glad Derek told Carrie Ann she was a shit for calling the lift.

Ann & Keo. So she wore dominatrix boots for her first practice? Why does Keo always get these people? Who has he pissed off at ABC? She was wooden and kept making faces. She did get in the best line of the night. When braindead Tyra asked her what she was thinking while dancing she said, “Please don’t fall down and can I get a second take?”

Jeannie & Brandon. I’m not sure she did any salsa, mostly just Brandon tossing her around. It was hard to concentrate when Brandon looked like a glow stick with a big butt.

Kaitlyn & Artem. Ok, disclaimer. I’m not a beard fan. You never know what might be hiding in there. Spiders or a hive of killer bees. She’s a bachelor person so people apparently know her name so she’ll get votes whether she can dance or not. Two words mostly came to mind while watching her dance: sluggish and ungainly. And there must have been a blue light sale at K Mart on day glo yellow material. What they had left over from Brandon’s outfit they used here. Glad to see they’re economizing.

Monica & Val. He could make a potato sack look good. Nice lines but not as good as Nev’s FT.

Nelly & Daniella. I had no idea who he is. I thought Nelly was a politically incorrect term for a gay person. His dance was more credible than I expected. Nice smile. Needs to teach Nev how to smile without being Oilcan Harry (old Mighty Mouse reference). I wondered about the sneakers. Glad Derek called it.

As an aside, the entire wardrobe department should be fired. It was absolutely awful. On the other hand, one of the best selections of music in recent history. There. I found something nice to say.

DWTS 3

Oh, good grief. Already with the gimmicks. Movie Night. Then there’ll be Latin night (hello, Latin is half of ballroom dancing). And Disney Night, which is just movie night all over again. I mean what else could they do; put a big dress on someone and say she’s Space Mountain? And the ever popular My Most Miserable Memory Night. At least with the fall season we’ll get Halloween. My guess is October 28. And who doesn’t love a Halloween party where the costume budget is unlimited?

Last night could have subbed for Latin Night. Only one non-Latin number: Quickstep. And what’s with all the rumbas? 40% of the dances were rumba. Okay, so let’s take the rumbas in order best to worst.

Ally and Sasha. Total redemption from last week for Sasha. He was working that rumba. But so was Ally. Only one performance separated it from Hannah, and way to smack her in the face and throw down the gauntlet. So much light and dark and shading. It actually had texture. She so rocked it. But what’s with Len’s “Don’t touch me”? Who made him God?

JVDB and Emma. This is the point in the competition I wait for. When the male celebrities actually start leading. You could see it all over that dance. He was so strong and pulled out real moves instead of all the acrobatics. One great rondé. Maybe he should have done the splits instead of Emma.

Hannah and Alan. Yesterday’s news. Ho hum. It was fairly hot, but not really rumba. All she did was spin and split. Over and over. Alan knows better than that. I did have to laugh at his sexy cop thing. Had to be the unsexiest cop ever.

Kel and Witney. He’s got those second position breaks down. Did them three times. Loved the confused look when he couldn’t find her leg for the assisted developé. Carrie Ann called it tight. That was a good word for it. And how come Witney wasn’t wearing the blue pendant from the movie? I mean it was Movie Night.

It’s hard to call a winner for the night. No one gave me chill bumps. Kate and Pasha did a very nice QS. Much better than we usually get this early. But her costume made her look fat. Reminded me of Hazel, that maid from the 60s. And those white legs. Did she miss her spray tan session? The glare was blinding.

Sailor and Val. Who’s the producer who doesn’t know what a tango is? This is two weeks in a row with the wild tangos. Way too much smiling going on. It didn’t sound tango; it didn’t look tango. Val grounded it and slowed it down, but it was fighting the music.  And the practice session. What is it with guys who wear hoodies with the hood up while dancing? He looked like some mad dancing monk.

Lauren and Gleb. Interesting how she so easily walked into the character of a hooker. But then she was dallying with about 20 men on national TV. Just sayin’. A whole lotta scrambling going on. She seemed surprised by some of Gleb’s moves. It’s been done before and much, much better. Look here to see how it is done. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHPY0oRfYzM

And it went downhill from there.  

I like Karamo and I hope he’s around for a while. He’s a hoot. But, what the hey, dude? The song title was prophetic. Except instead of still standing it should have been “I’m just standing”. That’s all he was doing much of the time. Jenna was jiving for all she was worth, and he just stood there. Even when he did dance it was so slow. Instead of fun it was more like walking my grandma around the mall. Two shuffles was all we got in the way of synchronized kicks so as far as I’m concerned it wasn’t a proper jive.

The night’s two cha chas were bad and badder. Hard to pick. I guess I have to go with Lamar for possibly worst cha cha ever. And I’m even including Master P, Billy Ray Cyrus Buzz Aldrin and Tom DeLay. Those are the big guns of badness to go up against and he held his ground. There were two actual cha cha moves and both vied for worst ever. After his outing as the Jolly Green Giant last week and this misbegotten mess he really needs to go. The show had the perfect opportunity for a double elimination last night. Losing him and Ray in one night would be a blessing. And as for the song, that also has been done before and much better by Jake Pavelka. See it here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onmqBp0hZ_o

Let’s see Lamar shake it like that. I miss Miss Chelsea, as her rodeo celebrity called her. His great line was “I just do what Miss Chelsea tells me.”

And Sean, Sean, Sean (slapping him lightly on the cheek). What can I say? It was good until he started dancing. In actuality it was an order of magnitude better than Lamar, but still several orders of magnitude away from being presentable in public. At least he’s a good sport about it. Give him a few drinks to loosen him up. I hear he’s a real party boy.

The entire night can be summed up in my favorite police line.

“Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.”