DWTS 2020

Can Tyra be the first to get the boot? Please.

Well, I wasted another hour of my life that I can never get back. At least with my DVR I can record it and the 2 hour slog-a-thon is only one hour once I fast forward through all the commercials. If I had to watch the ads also my brain would truly turn to jello.

Who is the marketing ‘genius’ that thought Tyra was a good idea? The same one who thought New Coke was smart? Tom Bergeron was a calming presence, kind of like the keeper of the zoo, although his humor sometimes reminded me of bringing grandpa home from the asylum for Thanksgiving. And Erin was great. You gotta love a six foot woman who wears heels. The producers said they were going in a new direction. Yeah, directly down the tubes.

Maybe they caught Tom doing something awful or doing someone awful. I still think that’s what torpedoed Giles Marini all those years ago. His shower scene on Sex and the City or whatever it was called was totally PG on TV. But someone leaked the footage that couldn’t be shown on TV to the web. Now we know why the character was called Mr. Big. I just checked. Yep, the pix are still there. Google “Gilles Marini Sex and the city shower scene” but be forewarned.

I considered taking a wait and see attitude with the new girl. Give Tyra a chance. Nope. Not gonna happen. So far she just seems to be a rack for fashion disasters and other crimes against nature. First she cruises out like an escaped float from the Rose Bowl Parade. Then a fuscia on red pantsuit? That’s so far beyond a fashion don’t, it’s a fashion hell no. In what universe is that supposed to be attractive? And that monstrosity around her neck?

The judges were equally disorienting. Carrie Ann is blonde now? Most Asians really don’t carry that off well. She’s one of them. She’s ditzy enough without punctuating it with blonde. And Bruno’s gone totally white. Maybe he got a glimpse of Lenny naked. Tyra called him a silver fox. More like ferret. Or weasel. I liked Derek’s circa 1980 necktie. I had one just like it.

And who choreographed that totally lackluster opening? DWTS needs to get their money back.

There were fifteen performances, so like the movie, it was Fast and Furious. So we got 30 second meeting shots, 30 second dances, 2 minute judge jawboning and on to the next commercial.

For me there were 6 performances of note: 3 surprisingly well, 2 supremely awful and 1 what the hell?

I had to wait all the way to the sixth dance to find something I liked. Jesse & Sharna. He had the hardest dance (QS) out of the box with the most content and mostly nailed it. I guess. I was watching Sharna. He needs to keep his head up and quit looking at his feet and Sharna’s boobs. And a crew cut? That hairstyle has looked good since, never. The wardrobe was awful.

A bit brighter spot was Nev’s foxtrot. It was what a foxtrot is supposed to be. It was classy and well executed. Great faux leading. Reminded me of Evan Lysachek, except Nev appears to have a personality. Here’s Evan doing a similar routine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nduAmka73hA The smile is a bit creepy. It seems to belong to a guy who is telling a little girl there is candy in the back of his van. If it wasn’t a fluke he could be the dark horse, the one who suddenly against all odds finds he can dance. And I love Jenna anyway.

The high point of the night had to be Justina and Sasha. Not only did it make me smile but I laughed out loud. I haven’t seen so many jiggly parts jiggling since Neicy Nash. What it lacked in style it more than made up for in sheer sass and brass. And I also love Sasha.

Then came the awfuls. Charles Oakley apparently couldn’t make it so they grabbed a wino from an alley and stuck a suit on him. So bad it hurt to watch. How can an athlete, a black athlete have absolutely no sense of rhythm? But if you look back over the history of the show, basketball players have always fared poorly. Stilt legs and monkey arms just make them too gangly to be graceful dancers. Plus they’ve not brought one on yet who had a sense of rhythm. I guess if you have rhythm they steer you toward football.

I really liked Pasha’s paso doble. Carole’s, not so much. Cute concept, atrocious execution. It gave me a nightmarish flashback to Sean Spicer’s paso. Her 3 wasn’t the lowest paddle ever, though. That would be Master P who got two 2s and a 4. (Don’t search for it. Your eyes will bleed). If they had negative paddles, I’d be waving them for old Carole. I imagine she and Charles are in a race for the door. Maybe there’ll be a double elimination. I was going to insert a video of Sean’s nightmarish paso but it is “not available” on line. Maybe he paid them to take it down. So I found an equally godawful paso. Kate Gosselin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EURnLDlPAAY

My ‘what the hell’ moment was Johnny Weir. I expected it to be ‘fabuloso’ but it was so mundane-o. No emotion or life. I wanted so much more from him. He’s been talking a big talk, now’s the time to man up. And fishnet stockings over hotpants? I think he got into Peta’s closet.

Skai Jackson was the highest scorer and it was not bad at all, just not standout. She’s a bit stiff to have such a long history of being on camera. And I can’t watch her all dolled up trying to look sexy without feeling like a pedophile.

The rest of the night was pedestrian, at best. Lots of chaff to work through.

AJ & Cheryl. My first question, is there any part of his body that isn’t inked? And are those prison tats or rehab? He says he’s been a Backstreet Boy for 28 years. Dude, you need to stop. If you haven’t made it to Backstreet Man by now, it ain’t gonna happen. And his suit was from even farther back. I wore that to my prom in 1974.

Chishell & Gleb. I need me a top like Gleb’s. Way cool. She’s a disaster. What’s wrong with her legs? They didn’t seem to move. Gleb was dragging her around like a department store mannequin.

Vernon & Peta. I’ve seen worse. Not much foxtrot going on, just posing. He’s stiff and his butt sticks out. If he finds a little rhythm he’ll be around for awhile because the footballers get lots of votes for some inexplicable reason. I’m glad Derek told Carrie Ann she was a shit for calling the lift.

Ann & Keo. So she wore dominatrix boots for her first practice? Why does Keo always get these people? Who has he pissed off at ABC? She was wooden and kept making faces. She did get in the best line of the night. When braindead Tyra asked her what she was thinking while dancing she said, “Please don’t fall down and can I get a second take?”

Jeannie & Brandon. I’m not sure she did any salsa, mostly just Brandon tossing her around. It was hard to concentrate when Brandon looked like a glow stick with a big butt.

Kaitlyn & Artem. Ok, disclaimer. I’m not a beard fan. You never know what might be hiding in there. Spiders or a hive of killer bees. She’s a bachelor person so people apparently know her name so she’ll get votes whether she can dance or not. Two words mostly came to mind while watching her dance: sluggish and ungainly. And there must have been a blue light sale at K Mart on day glo yellow material. What they had left over from Brandon’s outfit they used here. Glad to see they’re economizing.

Monica & Val. He could make a potato sack look good. Nice lines but not as good as Nev’s FT.

Nelly & Daniella. I had no idea who he is. I thought Nelly was a politically incorrect term for a gay person. His dance was more credible than I expected. Nice smile. Needs to teach Nev how to smile without being Oilcan Harry (old Mighty Mouse reference). I wondered about the sneakers. Glad Derek called it.

As an aside, the entire wardrobe department should be fired. It was absolutely awful. On the other hand, one of the best selections of music in recent history. There. I found something nice to say.