I don’t plan to make a habit of this, but thought I’d write my thoughts now the dust has settled from the first night of Dancing With The Stars. These thoughts are mine and no one else is to blame.
Golden Years
First off, only two dancers stunk up the place last night. Actually the term “dancers” is too liberal. And it was predictably the old guys. Reginald ValJohnson elicited my first OMG of the night. He was so bad. He mostly stood in one place and let Emma dance around him. Even the judges commented on his “compact salsa”. He reminded me of Grandpa at the wedding reception. Grandpa wondering where he left his cane.
Not to be outdone, Eric Roberts was even worse (at least by judges’ scores). He first off had trouble getting down the stairs. Then he proceeded to do a cha cha at half speed. Lacking anything good to say and not wanting to be rude, the judges concentrated on what an honor it was to have a bona fide star on the show. That kinda shit on all the other contestants, inferring that they aren’t stars (and they’re right). But it was a disaster for Eric.
No one was bumped last night but next week will feature a double elimination. I got a feeling I know who’s at the top of the list. These two gentlemen are ready for the nice parting gifts.
Tori Spelling didn’t exactly embarrass herself with the foxtrot but it was waaay clunky. And when she starts talking all I can hear is Valley Girl.
The Single Life
Bachelor Joey Graziadei kicked off the night with a credible cha cha. He was pigeon toed and flat footed but got that butt moving. Better than I expected. The Bachelorette Jenn Tan’s cha cha was basically inoffensive.
Sports Report
I really liked footballer Danny Amendola. But not his dancing. He was quiet, respectful, and tried hard. He even calls his mother “mama” like a good southern boy. You gotta love he picked for this theme song “A Bar Song” with the line “everybody at the bar getting tipsy.” Not exactly what I think of as a tango, but they made it work. I liked that he actually looked like he was leading, but the way he hunched it looked more like an attack. He should be good at paso doble, though. And Carry Ann was right that he needs to show more personality. People vote for personality as much as dance ability. And I want that blue jacket. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=a+bar+song+shaboozey
Basketballer Dwight Howard elicited my first WTF of the night. The judges actually thought what he did was good? In what universe? He stomped around with his feet about five feet apart, jiving around like he was at a club. When he tried to stick in a salsa move to get the routine past the judges it was awkward and ungainly. A total mess. The height difference is ridiculous. I feel sorry for Daniella. I guess the judges were just dazzled by all the aerials. But that won’t be allowed on the strictly ballroom dances. He’s got great personality (too pious for my liking, but you do you), so I imagine the producers will keep him around for awhile. I’m ready for him to go.
I kinda love Ilona Maher (but I hate Alan’s buzz cut). She is just so authentic. She just reminds me of the line in the song This Is Me “I’m not afraid to be seen, I make no apology, this is me.” I applaud her as a role model for independent young women, and it’s sweet that she’s looking for her inner feminine side. She hasn’t found it yet, but I imagine she will. She’s brawnier than Alan and it seems he’s afraid she might break his arm if he pushes her too much. Her cha cha was a mess. Too much like stop action photography. Move, pose, move, pose. Now Alan just needs to get her to clean it up and put it together. She also needs to let us see more of that strong woman inside. I hope she’s around for awhile.
Stephen Nedoroscik’s dance ability wasn’t exactly a surprise. I mean, he’s a gymnast. And when they said he was going to do jive I was all in. I got that silly grin on my face from the first move and kept it all the way through. The most fun of the night and my favorite dance. The guy knows the meaning of throwing down. He should be in the finals. His score was robbery. Scandalous.
Surprises
Brooks Nader is a model who can actually dance. And damn, she’s all leg. I enjoyed their tango, but couldn’t tear my eyes off her legs. I was waiting for her to get them tangled up, but she worked it out (one knock kneed move). She’ll be around for awhile. And I hate Gleb’s buzz cut. What happened, did he and Alan lose a studio bet?
It’s a Small World
But not for Chandler Kinny. She swept to the top of the leader board last night in true Disney magic style. Great body control, great (long) legs and great smile. Technically the best dance of the night. And since she has the built in Disney vote, she’ll probably win this season. Can’t say I have a problem with that. The girl can work it.
And In Other News
I’ve often said Val could win DWTS dancing with a burlap bag. Well, he might have his chance to prove it with mortician/housewife Phaedra Parks. She’s no burlap bag, but not much going on in the dancing department. She seems to be trying to channel Neicy Nash (my favorite comedienne) but there’s static in the line. It doesn’t work for her. Instead of Neicy’s self-deprecation, Phaedra comes off as having a chip on her shoulder. And as Tamar Braxton found out to her dismay, that won’t come off well with the audience. Maybe it works on Real Housewives but I found it off-putting.
Crime and Punishment
I still say Anna Delvey should not be on the show. She claims she’s there for redemption, although one of her answers to “Why DWTS?” was “Why not?” Redemption comes with remorse for your sins and expressing it. Nowhere, either in the media or on the show has she shown the slightest bit of being sorry for what she did. She claims, “I served my time.” Technically, they let her out, but she was sentenced to 12 years and only served 3. And her worst comment was “I’ve re-invented myself many times.” Um, that’s kinda why she was in prison. As for her dancing, it looked like she was on quaaludes. No energy, no pizzazz and perhaps the worst flick ever. But I like her partner. Ezra finally got promoted from the JV team and seems so excited. He also nodded toward having to rehabilitate his partner’s reputation. He’s got his work cut out.
And Finally
What the hell was Julianne wearing. Looks like she sat down on a black box and got stuck.
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