As predictable as a swarm of locusts, that time of season is upon us again. Dancing With The Stars has returned, and this time, not just on Disney. Now that the dust has settled from the first night out, I thought I’d take a look at the mix of misbegotten miscreants they’ve assembled for this go round – a veritable motley crew of who’s who and who the hell are you?
Alfonso is okay, Julianne is very nice to look at, and oh, I have missed Bruno. He is just so deliciously dementedly disturbed.
To start with, three of the guys stunk up the ballroom on Tuesday night. In order from bad to worst they were Tyson with one OMG, Matt with two OMGs and Harry with a records setting three OMFGs.
Tyson is pretty enough and has a great body, but that goes along with being a model and a stripper. Which is part of what puzzles me. I’ve never seen the Chippendales perform, but I did see Magic Mike. There is an art to getting nekkid, a combination of sultry, slinky, sinuous and sinful moves much akin to dancing. Whitney even incorporated it into one of her routines. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG_QH4R1DA4
So what happened? He’s a total dud.
As for Matt, I thought grandpa had game. It made me smile. That’s what a comic does.
And as for Harry, that was so freaking bad. Possibly the worst dancer since Master P or Sean Spicer. He’s pretty, got a good bod and I like the English accent, but it takes a lot more than that. I liked Bruno’s comment that whenever Rylee let go he wandered around like a tourist looking for Times Square. And I’m still not sure what his notoriety is. Guess I’m outta touch with the 2020s.
Barry Williams and Alyson Hannagan fell into the category of “Whatever happened to…?”
I was never a Greg fan, I had more of a thing for Marcia. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. He surprised me, but I think age will limit him. And I remembered Alyson from American Pie. She still resembles her younger self (she was 25 when she made the move; now she’s 49, so basically half her life ago). Loved the faces she made, but her dance lacked energy.
Adrian. Football player.
Then there were Legs 1, Legs 2, and Legs 3. Lele gets the crown for the best legs. The top of her legs were at Alfonso’s navel. She looks kinda scary, though. Something about the makeup. But I loved the song and attitude. And Mira – those legs. Couldn’t take my eyes off them. The old gal can really work it.
Legs 3 is also a Bachelorette. Is there some franchise thing that every Bachelorette has to be on DWTS? They just show up like a bad penny. And for me, their crass commercialization of what’s supposed to be personal between two people has done more to damage marriage than any supposed issues with the LGBTQ+ population.
Mauricio says he’s from Real Housewives of some city. It’s just a hunch, but I don’t think he plays a housewife. And what’s that about anyway? A show about doing the dishes, making the beds, laundry and cooking dinner? That’s what a real housewife does. Doesn’t sound that interesting to me. And he looks kinda shady.
I found it interesting that not a word was said about Britney when little sis was on. The producers couldn’t find an overgrown kid from the CW network fresh out of rehab so they got the next best thing. Maybe they were hoping she’d spontaneously combust like her sister. That would be a ratings bonanza. Her dance was tentative, but not awful. I believe she said she was basically trying not to vomit, so it was a win. Gotta love that attitude.
Who expected Jason Mraz to kill it? Musicians have historically done really well (Nicole Scherzinger) or really bad (Billy Ray Cyrus, Michael Bolton). Looks like he may make the former category.
I gotta say one of my favorites is Xochitl. You gotta have moxie to have a name like that and she’s so excitable. She’s young, unbreakable, and will do as she’s told. Val can win it with a burlap bag, so he’s bound to take her to the finals.
But the biggest and best surprise of the night was the show stopping finale. I have no idea what Vanderpump Rules is or why a person’s personal tragedy is fodder for those cretins. Personal should be private. But she went with it and had her life detonate in real time. But she seems to be taking Kelly Clarkson’s “What Doesn’t Kill You” to heart and came back swinging. And she hit it out of the park. The piece rated one loud “Dayum!” from me. A stellar performance. And I loved Pasha’s red jacket. But he forgot the shirt.
Predictions. The final will be Val and Xochitl, Pasha and Ariana, one or two of the Legs, and Jason Mraz.
Curtisstories 